I recently started going to the gym again after a 3 year sabbatical that included ingesting massive amounts of French fries, Doritos, White Castle chicken rings and Häagan Dazs’ Caramel Cone ice cream. While the past 3 years were incredibly enjoyable and included some of the best eating I’ve ever experienced in my life, they weren’t very conducive to a healthy existence, evidenced by the fact that I developed a habit of dipping my French fries into mashed potatoes and gravy. It all came to a crashing end though when my mom grabbed my neck fat and told me, “This is disgusting.” This was followed by my dad giving me a derisive look out of the corner of his eye and snorting in amusement before he fell back asleep on the couch. I love my parents.
So, given the fact that as an Asian male, I am programmed to obey every passive/aggressive command from my beloved mother and father, I started working out again. The 1st day was fairly easy – so easy, in fact, that I ended up staying much longer than I first anticipated and doing many more exercises than I had planned. However, the 2nd day proved that not only was I disgusting but stupid as well, when every single fiber of my body screamed at me, “You are an idiot and now you will pay.” The pain was equal to being run over by a truck while laying on a gravel street of broken glass. I never ever exaggerate.
That said, I’m proud to say I can now go to the gym without crying myself to sleep afterwards – I only allow myself a tear or two on the drive home while listening to Wham’s “Careless Whisper” (a great workout song by the way – is there anything manlier than George Michael and a saxophone?). I can’t say that working out again is all bad though. It has definitely opened my eyes to a whole new social network of gym-going participants which I’ve decided to lay out here. Please note that all opinions expressed here are the sole thoughts of the author and not endorsed by any gym, Under Armour, Balco, or Roger Clemens’ and Barry Bonds’ new sponsors: Fathead.
The Meathead – This is probably the easiest guy to find in the gym. He typically wears ripped shirts and some variations will even work out in jeans, boots and a bandana. He has the intense look of a high school football player/rapist and takes pleasure in asking you “Are you done with that machine?” and then adding about 10 more 45 pound plates to it while staring you in the eye as if to say, “This is how real men lift, not stupid small little girls like you.” To which, I wittily replied, “Have fun working out and getting girls while I’m playing video games – sucker!” and then ran away.
Soundtrack: Any song by Explosions in the Sky from “Friday Night Lights”
The Professional – Not to be confused with
the Meathead, the Professional actually looks down on meatheads and doesn’t even notice normal peons. The Professional treats working out like it’s his job, which in most cases, it probably is. He often wears spandex shorts and tight weight-lifting shirts, meant to maximize his workout efficiency. He can be found sitting on a bench eating protein powder straight out of his 20 gallon tub while breathing loudly preparing for his next set which includes bench pressing a small car. He also beats his girlfriend.
Soundtrack: Rage Against the Machine – Killing in the Name ofThe Smelly Bastard – As a rule of thumb, never use a machine or bench after the Smelly Bastard because, you guessed it, it will smell. Sometimes, you might even think the smell is coming from you but it’s not. That’s what the Smelly Bastard wants you to think! He is quite crafty and will move quickly throughout the gym, leaving his stench everywhere so that people will assume the entire gym has a ventilation problem, but it doesn’t; it has a smelly bastard problem. The Smelly Bastard is oftentimes also
the Heavy Sweater and will leave wet marks of putrid odor on anything that comes in contact with his drenched shirt and head. Both the Smelly Bastard and the Heavy Sweater will rock shirts with yellow pit stains seemingly visible to everyone but themselves. They are usually single and will die alone.
Soundtrack: Jimmy Fallon – Idiot Boyfriend
The Noisy Bastard – Usually, the Noisy Bastard is also
the Meathead but doesn’t necessarily have to be. The Noisy Bastard makes it his duty to alert everyone in the gym that he is using his full effort on every single repetition of every single exercise. Like Sharapova on the tennis court except without the physical *ahem* attributes, the Noisy Bastard exerts every ounce of energy through his vocal chords. Sometimes after sets, he’ll even finish with a “Yea!” or a loud single-syllable expletive to alert the gym that the Noisy Bastard has blessed you with a few moments of silence before continuing his verbal rampage. The Noisy Bastard is also better known in the real world as
the Douchebag.
Soundtrack: Anything by Fall Out Boy
The Cougar – Some of you may already be familiar with this term, defined in urbandictionary.com as the following: “An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie or milf.” The Cougar can take similar forms at the gym but is most obviously spotted by her age and excessive use of makeup and perfume. Often wearing tight clothing and seen flirting with much younger men, the Cougar will only perform exercises while facing a mirror, to ensure her face remains absolutely still as to not create further wrinkles. She mistakes people staring at her for lust when it’s more likely amazement at the fact that she doesn’t sweat plastic. The Cougar also has a foul mouth and is unashamed to sprinkle in a cuss word or two into her conversations in order to remain “hip” and “young.”
Soundtrack: The Divinyls – I Touch Myself (made popular by “Austin Powers”)The Skinny Girl Stronger than You – Perhaps the single-most discouraging gym-goer for the normal men out there, the Skinny Girl Stronger than You requires no introduction. Even though she looks like a strong breeze could send her to Oz, she curls what you bench. The Skinny Girl Stronger than You is one of life’s greatest mysteries, much like George Bush’s election. People who see both only have 1 reaction: “WTF was that?” Watching the Skinny Girl Stronger than You outlift me makes me feel dead inside.
Soundtrack: Paramore – Misery Business
The Professional Racquetball Player – Nobody takes himself more seriously than the Professional Racquetball Player. By day, he is your everyday working professional. By night (or at least the hours of 6-8 PM), he is the Roger Federer of a glass encased room. Marked by the goggle imprints forever lining his face, the Professional Racquetball Player walks into the gym as if he owns the place with multiple bags for his racquetball clothing, protective gear and equipment. He often sports a gold chain and is extremely hairy but ironically balding.
Soundtrack: None – only the sounds of squeaking sneakers and other men’s grunts motivate this man
The Artist Formerly Known as Shrimp – Once a weakly young boy, the Artist Formerly Known as Shrimp has since devoted himself to getting bigger by working out. He takes great delight in his new found muscles and will keep trying to catch glimpses of himself flexing in the mirror. The Artist Formerly Known as Shrimp has tried all sorts of strategies to get bigger, including Creatine, protein bars, and if he has the means, possibly even HGH. He is also quite competitive and takes great care in noticing how much other people are lifting. Some of you may think that I fall into this category, given the prodigious amount of information I’ve culled in this list – not so – I am clearly
the Skinny Girl Stronger than You.
Soundtrack: Michael Jackson – Beat ItThe Old Guy – By age, he is the male equivalent of
the Cougar but more likely, he is an aged version of
the Meathead or
the Professional. He openly gripes about how in “his day”, men got bigger by lifting anvils or fighting Hitler, not fancy needles and shakes. He’s also ridiculously strong for an old guy with no definition whatsoever. His glare alone can bench press up to 300 pounds.
Soundtrack: None – doesn’t know what an MP3 isThe Guy Under Armour Wishes Would Stop Wearing Their Clothes – This is probably my favorite guy at the gym. He walks around like he’s carrying a tuba underneath each armpit while his Under Armour shirt looks like one of those Long-T’s they sell at Foot Locker. He puts on more weight than he can possibly ever hope to lift and merely shifts the barbell around. He acts like he knows all the regulars at the gym and will try to engage them in conversation. He tells everyone his favorite cast member on “Saved by the Bell” is Slater when it’s really Screech. The typical response? “Dude, I wasn’t even talking to you and why are you talking to me about ‘Saved by the Bell?’”
Soundtrack: Nickelback – Photograph
These are not totally inclusive of every single gym-goer out there. There is the Conversationalist, the Personal Trainer Who Looks Like a Librarian, the Work Out Couples – these are just a few more groups that I’ve excluded for reasons of laziness. But now you’re better equipped so that the next time you’re at the gym, you can keep an eye out for
the Smelly Bastard. Seriously, I hate that guy.
