baby i'm back

Hello. It’s been quite some time, has it not? Since last we spoke, so many things have changed. For instance:

1) The New York Giants won the Super Bowl. That means we (Yes, smartass, we. I am a part of this team no matter what the restraining order says) are the WORLD CHAMPIONS. At least for 2007 anyway. And you know what else that means? Not the Redskins or Patriots! I would express my glee through a smiley face, but unfortunately, I have testicles. Maybe unfortunately is the wrong word. I digress.

2) I moved to the South (for my Maryland readers – yes, this is the South. I know this may come as a shock to you, just as it did for me when I crossed the Mason-Dixon line and was subjected to your horrific accents, but this is the truth.)

That pretty much covers it. Sure, there were more important world events, like some “civil war” in Africa or something and some other important stuff like a “recession” but we’re not here to talk about big words. Besides, since they don’t affect me directly, who cares? Am I right? Am I right? High five?

Regardless, to celebrate my resurrection from the internet grave, I’ve decided to discuss some of my favorite phrases that have died. And by favorite, I mean stupid.

1) Surfing the web – I hate this phrase. When I would ask people online “what r u doing” (note the abbreviated “r” and “u” usage to indicate how cool I am) sometimes, I’d get the inevitable response of “surfing the web”. What the hell does that mean? Who came up with the phrase, anyway? It doesn’t even make sense, “surfing the web”. How do you “surf” a web? WTF. Seriously, next time some nerds come up with world-changing technology like the Internet, leave the phrase-naming to professionals such as myself. I would’ve called it “looking for porn” but that’s just my humble opinion.

2) Crunk – Wow. That’s all I have to say. Wow. Forever will this word be associated with the hip hop phenomenon that is known as Lil Jon. I hate that guy. And for every white person out there who said “skee skee skee” without understanding its true terrifying meaning – shame on you.

3) Fo shizzle – There seems to be a running trend here of catch phrases from the hip hop community. Truth be told, I have nothing against hip hop. I’ve worn baggy pants. I’ve barked in public. I’ve licked my lips á la LL Cool J. I’ve futilely attempted to crip walk only to sprain my ankle badly and then tell the doctor I fell down the stairs. But some things, such as the crip walk, must be only attempted by special individuals. So if your name doesn’t end in “Dogg”, then don’t say fo shizzle. And no, self appointed nicknames do not count.

4) Da bomb – Usually used in reference to something that is especially wonderful, such as a particularly tasty desert (“Outback’s Chocolate Thunder from Down Under is da bomb!”), I haven’t heard anyone use this phrase in quite some time. This probably has something to do with the fact that today, referencing “bombs” is not quite as kosher as it used to be (see “Meet the Parents”). Whatever the reason, using this phrase now gets you at worst case scenario, some time in an airplane holding cell with Robert DeNiro or best case scenario, absolute ridicule from whoever in the room isn’t under the age of 6.

5) Cowabunga – I actually like this one and wish it would come back. Only because I feel like I never really got to use it quite as often as I would have liked in normal conversation. “I just totally made out with the hot chick in my bio class. Cowabunga!” followed by high fives all around. Also, I miss Leo, Don, Raph, Mikey and the whole gang. Even that depressing bastard Casey Jones and his stupid baseball bat. Seriously, man, these are highly trained turtle warriors with swords. You’re bringing… a Louisville Slugger? What an idiot. How he ever bagged April is beyond me. Wait, am I still writing? This was supposed to be my personal thoughts!