i work hard for the money.

for the unaware, i work in an office. and in my office are certain characters, or caricatures i should say, that i will outline here. many of you may be familiar with such people. some of you may even be such people. if so, i recommend you cease and desist your current activity immediately. why? because people are laughing at you, you idiot.

1) the FIGJAM.

this is a recently learned word, even for such a learned employee as myself. (btw, you must pronounce the word “learned” with 2 syllables for intellectual respect. if not, all the monocle-wearing, handkerchief-toting, pipe-smoking people in the world will laugh at you. and if there’s a more horribly embarrassing fate than that, i am unaware of it) anyway, the FIGJAM stands for what a typical FIGJAM thinks as he goes about his normal FIGJAM day: “F*ck, I’m Good, Just Ask Me.” the FIGJAM holds himself on a pedestal above his peers because nobody else will. he believes that he and he alone is the sole reason for his company’s success and no one quite as smart as him has ever graced the hallways of his corporation. in fact, we’re all lucky to have FIGJAM here to run to with tears brimming in our eyes because we just can’t figure out how to do our jobs as well as FIGJAM. to which FIGJAM will sigh, come over to your desk, and not only do your job for you, but tell you the whole while how easy this is for him. FIGJAM, we salute you.

2) the Dentist AKA D.D.S.

dentists Don’t Do Sh*t. (not real dentists, they do a lot, like scrubbing the decaying meat out from between my teeth and dealing with my horrendous burrito breath. seriously, everyone’s so scared of dentists but shouldn’t they be scared of you? YOU can choose to brush your teeth or not. YOU can choose to stuff your face with garlic-laced pizza before your appointment. YOU can choose to fart in your own mouth. and then HE has to deal with it. he should be scared. not you. think about that. i’ve just empowered you for your next dental visit. send me money.) your office dentists are the guys who walk around all day, schmoozing with people but they don’t really do any work. they just try to act like they’re busy. in fact, you could’ve sworn you heard him typing away furiously in the middle of the afternoon. surely, he must have been doing some work, right? no, you moron, he just has a blog. ummm…. ok let’s just move on to the next guy.

3) the trust fund brat.

this is the guy who got his job because his father is friends with the CEO of the of the company. and btw, it’s always “father” with these people, never “dad”. if it’s a girl, it can be “daddy” but come on, these types of girls don’t work in offices! they work in charities during their non-traveling/shopping time where they raise money for the poor by hosting $5,000 plate dinner galas where rich people come together to eat and drink and celebrate the fact that they’re rich and you’re not and isn’t life grand hohohoho. but anyway, these guys have a certain swagger to them, an arrogance. you know when you’re little and you say to your friends, “my dad can beat up your dad?” well these guys used to say “my father is worth 2 Microsofts and 1 Starbucks more than your father.” and then swing their burberry scarf at you. their names also almost always have roman numerals afterwards. like Preston Winston Chattingham III or Chauncey Worthington V. they’re like sequels to bad movies. and just like bad movies, they usually have hot girls. dammit! (hehe hi mina)

4) the weirdo.

the weirdo comes in many shapes and forms. in the 70s, he came to the office on casual days in a tie-dye shirt, had grateful dead posters in his cube, and smelled of marijuana. in the 80s, he tried to talk like tony danza, wore leather jackets on occasion, and smelled of marijuana. in the 90s, he dressed like a goth every now and then to throw people off, would softly play Nine Inch Nails at his desk, slowly turning up the volume throughout the day until someone would come over and be like “ummm….yea… about your music…could you turn it down a little bit? i’m on the phone with a client and he’s wondering why someone at my office is screaming about fornicating like animals”, and also smelled of marijuana. today’s weirdo is a little more subtle. he usually wears clip-on ties with the short-sleeved dress shirts, has staring problems (especially with females in the office), tends to be a mouth breather, oftentimes wears glasses that were fashionable when the beatles were considered as controversial as eminem, and smells of marijuana. he also leaves the weirdest food in the community fridge. beans and potato sandwich? salad with peanut butter and ketchup dressing? this dude is so weird, he makes my friend chris look normal. and chris is far from normal. he once rubbed his face in a bowl full of scallions in the middle of a korean restaurant. he once dropped his cell phone in a public toilet, took it out, tried to WASH IT, and continued to use it for months afterwards. he also thinks everything causes cancer, is a hypochondriac, and likes to make up his own words to pop songs in chinese and he doesn’t even speak chinese. ok enough embarrassing chris (happy birthday, buddy. i know it’s not today, relax)

5) the inappropriate topic broacher.

this is the guy who you swear is going to get fired. he brings up totally inappropriate topics for a work setting, constantly makes non PC comments/references to ethnicities, genders, etc., and always has the latest racial/sexist joke handy. in other words, he’s the funniest guy in the office outside of work, but inside, everytime he opens his mouth, you try to take a step away and give people walking by a look like “who is this guy? he’s crazy. i don’t know why i’m standing here listening to him.”

6) the crazy secretary.

it’s an unwritten rule that in this day and age, all secretaries must be either old or ugly. this is a modern development given the evolution of our legal system that allows anyone to get rich by suing someone with a lot of money for sexual improprieties that my or may not have occurred. but not only do most of these secretaries’ physical appearance discourage sexual harassment/advances, but they’re freakin crazy, man! one secretary flipped out on me for clicking a pen. it’s one thing to ask, “hey, can you stop that, it’s kind of irritating, like your face”, it’s quite another to stand up with a wild, crazed look in your eye and demand “who’s that clicking? where’s that clicking coming from? stop the clicking!” and jam your fingers in your ears while screeching at the top of your lungs. another one went ballistic because myself and a colleague were bouncing a ball back in forth about 2 feet away from each other, apparently afraid that the rubber foam source of our joy would somehow in a flubber-esque horror scene jump into her cube and destroy all her pens and colored post-its. then there’s another secretary who has the most inappropriate conversations on her phone so loud that everyone can hear her telling her girlfriends about last night when she went out and… uhhh… did bad things with boys. btw, she’s like 45.

so these are your basic types of people at work. of course you have others, the office ho (male and female versions), the consummate professional, etc. and then of course, you have your normal people who are, well, you know, normal and don’t fall into any of these categories, but they’re boring. but yeah, i have to get back to pretending like i’m doing something now in case anyone realizes that i’m a dentist. who said that?