Can I Stay Here Forever

My son will be 4 months old in a week. And already I don’t want him to grow up anymore. Well, maybe a little. It’d be nice if he could wipe his own anus.

But I was sitting there playing with him the other day when I just looked at him and thought, “Could you be any more perfect than you are right now? Just stay like this forever and I’ll be happy.” Then about five seconds later, he started whining/crying about something like “I’m hungry” or “your breath smells.” Well, Josiah, when you grow up, you’ll have some teeth and realize that food gets stuck in teeth and grows old and starts to smell. What’s that? Why don’t I brush my teeth? Well why don’t you get a job? 4 months old, already a wise guy.

But of course, I didn’t necessarily mean that I wanted Josiah to stay in that exact moment forever. It was more like a wistful thought – the idea that he’d be a baby forever and always love me and need me. The idea that when he’s at this age, I have (seemingly) total control over what he does and what harms he’s exposed to. And as I thought that, I realized how sinful I am. In my selfishness, I’d rather Josiah stay a baby and curb my own fears than grow up and potentially break my heart by not making the NBA or becoming a Washington Redskins fan. Lord, would You do that to me?

The truth is, I’m like that with a lot of things. I fear change because I don’t trust God enough. I don’t want to let go of things that I think I have control over right now (career, money, infant baby who can’t run away from me because I’m so much bigger and faster than that noob). But in reality, that idea is so flimsy and two-dimensional. Anything can happen tomorrow. I could die. I could lose my job. Josiah could turn into a mutant X-man and have to go fight Magneto. There is literally nothing I actually do have control over – just the semblance of control that I can try to delude myself with.

Which is why not trusting in God is so foolish. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom… yet I want to rely on my own limited smarts and abilities. Josiah belongs to the Lord, yet here I am thinking I have some claim to him, his future, and his contribution to my life. It’s the same with my own future, be it career, time, finances, etc. I think everything belongs to me and is in my control.

What a foolish sinner I am! It’s funny to think that God reveals so much about myself and Himself through my 4 month old son. He can’t talk, he can’t even sit up without his big head making him fall over, but he’s teaching my about my Father. I’m getting Bible study from my baby!

I pray that I would show Josiah what it means to live a life by faith in the son of God, to live a life totally surrendered to my Lord. And when I fail, that God would show Josiah how merciful He is, how great His grace is.

On a side note, this is one of the most haphazard entries I’ve ever written. I went on way too many crazy tangents and normally I’d go back and delete them but I’m tired and my breath smells so I guess I have to go brush my teeth. Jeez.