finding comfort in pain.

when i was younger, i used to pick at my scabs a little at a time, working my way around the edges until i could finally peel off the entire shell and let my skin breathe. of course, this process hurt a lot and i ended up with a couple scars i probably could have avoided. but that moment of freedom, that moment when air hit free skin felt so good. it was worth the few moments of pain and the beatdown from my mom. for a 5’4” korean lady weighing roughly 100 pounds, she can really swing a wooden chopstick. geez, i’m so asian.

pain is a reflex, but it’s also a signal. pain is our body’s way of telling us to cut it out or else we’ll end up hurting ourselves. for example, when you put your hand on a hot stove and it hurts, your body’s telling you “take your hand away from the heat, you idiot.”

but what if the pain is worth it? what if we need to get through that pain because of the possibility of greatness that could result from it? like enduring a painful 40 hour pregnancy to bring a new life, a life you created, into the world (thank God i’m a dude). like going through hours of agonizing rehab to walk again. like sitting through “Anne of Green Gables” to make your girlfriend happy.

in these kinds of situations though, the end goal is clearly worth the pain. the alternative is simply ludicrous. not having a child because you’re afraid of how much pregnancy hurts? being chained to a wheelchair your whole life because you can’t take the pain of rehab? breaking up with your girlfriend because “Anne of Green Gables” is the worst movie ever made including “Crazy/Beautiful”, which i can’t even talk about without increasing my heart rate?

but what about situations where the outcome isn’t as clear cut? can we still endure the pain?

when i had to rehab my ACL (torn while trying to save a kid getting hit by a car while holding a baby i just rescued from a burning building after i walked a blind old lady across the street), my physical therapist was a really smart dude; he was even head of physical therapy!…or something like that. during our sessions, doctors would come and ask for his advice regarding a certain patient or a certain injury, etc. and i always wondered why he wasn’t a “real” doctor. he told me he enjoyed physical therapy so much more because it was something concrete. somebody walks in broken, unable to walk and he gets to facilitate the recovery, watching his patient evolve from nothing back into normalcy. but with regular medicine, it’s a bit different. a cancer patient walks in and you watch him go through all sorts of medication, treatment, surgery, and in the process become quite attached not only to the patient’s progress but to the individual as well. and sometimes, in the end, it’s not enough and the patient, unfortunately, loses to cancer. that’s an incredible pain right there.

similarly, in life, we’re often faced with a lot of hardships/pain that this generation seems unwilling to deal with. for myself, while my parents faced immigrating to a country and beginning totally new lives away from their entire families, i’m worried about what i’m going to do next year because “this job is too hard” or “i don’t have any free time”. it’s no wonder my parents don’t like me much. they endured so much pain for the possibility of a better life for me. can i do the same? can you?

sometimes i think about my physical therapist. (not that way, you sickos. although i will admit that i always enjoyed the sessions where i wore shorts but forgot to wear briefs as opposed to boxers. when he worked my leg and jammed my knee back and forth, he was privy to a full view of dunce’s glory. hehe sorry, doc) i think about how smart he is and how he could probably be doing so much more. not that he’s a bad physical therapist; after all, he’s head of physical therapy!… or something like that. but when doctors are coming in asking you for advice, you know you’re a pretty smart dude. how many more people could he have helped had he chosen to become a doctor as opposed to a physical therapist? how would his life have turned out if he had been unafraid to endure the pain of losing patients?

i guess in the end, for him, forgoing that pain was worth more than what he could have done, than that possibility of greatness. but in our lives, in your life, in my life, is today’s pain worth tomorrow’s possibility?

i love girls, girls, girls, girls, girls i do adore.

as a male with many other friends who are male, i can tell you one thing for a fact: i never want to have daughters. this is not to say that should a creature inclined towards wearing dresses and bleeding once a month emerge from my wife, that i would not love her and give her the fullest life that i can give her, but that i think my mind would be more at ease with male children. the reason? because i know what guys are like. (on a side note, is there any other cultural phenomenon that causes as much discomfort among men as discussing a women’s period? this topic alone could bring peace to the middle east. imagine madeline albright saying to whoever was running Israel/Palestine at the time, “listen, if you guys don’t settle this thing right now, i’m going to have to tell you guys about my extremely heavy flow last month.” hell, forget peace in the middle east, we’re talking global domination. this is a huge tool for you women out there. anytime you get in a fight with your man or want the remote, mention your monthly visitor and he’ll be sure to give in. it’s underhanded, it’s unfair, and it’s pure evil, but it works. anything to get you to stop talking about… you know… that thing! this reminds me of a line from a movie or something that goes like this: “i don’t trust anything that bleeds and survives”. girls are crazy.)

anyway, back to the story at hand. no matter how you look at things, guys usually have one singular goal in mind: to be inside as many women in as short a time as possible. any girl out there saying “that’s not true” or “not my guy!”, i’m sorry, but you’re an idiot. every guy has those thoughts, has that desire; inside every male is a wilt chamberlain clamoring to burst free. granted, some men can control this urge, and eventually do; many relationships prosper in a monogamous setting. but this only happens when the male resists his physical urges and desires for something countless times more valuable than physical gratification: a clean home and a hot meal every night. haha just kidding! true love, of course. (hehe hi, mina)

but this doesn’t hide the fact that men, in general, are more apt to wander than women. it’s a simple truth. think of all the relationships you have ever had or have known about, friends, family, whatever. how many of them involved infidelity? and in how many cases was the male at fault?

which is why i wouldn’t want a daughter. not because girls are worse than guys or anything like that but because they’re actually better. everytime a guy would come over to take my daughter out, i’d KNOW. i’d look in his eye and see that look and i’d KNOW. and that would drive me CRAZY. that’s why i wouldn’t want a daughter.

my question is, how do girls deal with this? girls have to know this tenet of life; they have to understand that. i mean, they can SEE where our eyes are going when we’re talking to them. they’re not idiots. what do they think about having daughters? what do they think about men? how can they stand us? seriously?

i don’t even know where i’m going with this anymore. i thought i had a point when i started but i got sidetracked by talking about perio… umm… other stuff.

whatever, every male that read this is nodding his head and agreeing with me while every girl reading this is rolling her eyes and saying something like “omg david’s such an idiot”.

i hate you all.

more work stories.

here are some rather disturbing/entertaining stories from work that i’ve mentally compiled over the past few weeks.

the other day, i was sitting in the pantry (fancy word for mini-cafeteria), enjoying a fine dinner of sushi, miso soup, and french fries. (french fries and mashed potatoes are the best side dishes ever. you can literally eat one of the two with anything, even ice cream. fries dipped in a wendy’s frostie? mmmmm. one time at a decently classy dining establishment, i asked if they had fries because they didn’t have any on the menu to which all my friends started cracking up and making fun of me “yo this is a classy italian joint and you want fries? yo check out dunce ordering fries at an italian restaurant lol”. yet when the fries came out, who asked me for a fry? THAT’S RIGHT. everyone makes fun of the fries but everyone wants a piece of the fries. just like dunce) ok anyway, i didn’t really have fries with my sushi. but if they offered it on their menu, i definitely would have been all over that.

but i’m sitting there eating when a certain unnamed colleague enters, sits at my table, and begins eating his meal. nothing wrong yet, right? but when said colleague realized that Seinfeld was on tv, he started saying EVERY DAMN LINE in the show RIGHT before the character would say it. ok, now that’s pretty annoying. want to know how he turned it up a notch? after each line, he would look at me and smirk, as if to say, see how cool i am. i get all the laydays with my encyclopedic knowledge of seinfeld dialogue. to which i should have replied with a dunce headbutt to the chest. it’s almost as if he needed my acknowledgement before he could say the next line. DUDE, I CAN HEAR YOU, NOW PLEASE SHUT UP.

but i resisted the urge to stick one of my chopsticks down his throat and just gave him a nod, hoping my silence would indicate my displeasure at having my meal interrupted by a moron who probably went through high school taping Seinfeld episodes and typing out the dialogue on some online forum (what a complete loser, who writes stuff online anyway?). so when he kept on doing it and finally stopped saying, “i should stop, this is pretty annoying, right?” and started laughing, i looked him right in the eye, said “right” and kept eating.

but did that shut him up? NO.

you may or may not have seen a new capital one commercial on tv where a family goes on a ski trip, only it’s summer, and the dad tries to smooth over this minor detail by enthusiastically taking off down a mountain only to tumble and fall halfway down the slope. if you haven’t, who cares, it’s not going to change your world. but as soon as this commercial came on, said colleague started pointing at it frantically while trying to chew his food as fast as possible, no doubt in an attempt to repeat lines from the commercial before the actors could. dude, i just told you to shut up because i didn’t want to hear you repeat seinfeld lines. do you really think a commercial would be better? so when he finally finishes chewing and swallows, he starts saying “this commercial is freakin AWESOME, man, have you seen it?” and i go, “dude, relax, it’s a credit card commercial”. and then he looked at me as if I’M crazy. i don’t think i’ll be eating with him again for a while.

another story. actually this one’s more like an alert: ATTENTION ALL SENIOR MANAGING DIRECTORS: IF YOU HAVE YOUR OWN OFFICE, THAT’S REALLY TERRIFIC, JOB WELL DONE, CHEERIO. BUT PLEASE NOTE YOU HAVE GLASS WINDOWS ON YOUR DOOR, MEANING PEOPLE CAN SEE INSIDE. THEREFORE, PLEASE REFRAIN FROM PICKING YOUR NOSE AT YOUR DESK IN PLAIN SIGHT OF PEOPLE WALKING BY. DO AS DUNCE DOES AND PICK UNDERNEATH YOUR DESK WHILE PRETENDING TO LOOK FOR DROPPED PAPERS. THAT IS ALL.

i went to the bathroom the other day but as i was walking in, i saw an unnamed portly gentleman enter into the middle stall. first of all, this is a huge error. all men know that you NEVER take the middle stall/urinal unless that is your only option. doing so would result in a complete breakdown of social norms and a disastrous outbreak of homophobia. in fact, i’ve personally viewed incidents where one guy was using a middle urinal with both sides empty, another guy enters, sees the first guy in the middle, stops walking, stares, gets confused, turns to leave, turns around again, and after a few seconds of debate, finally uses the urinal right next to him. the dude was visibly uncomfortable and refused to look at me throughout the whole ordeal, even though i was in the stall right next to him! sheesh, some people are just plain rude.

but back to the portly gentleman. now, this guy was not your run of the mill i bet that guy plays santa at the office party fat but rather i’ve got back issues because my spine can’t hold up the weight of the 2 million twinkies i’ve devoured over my lifetime. i know this because i’ve seen the man eat and no pastry within a 2000 foot vicinity is safe . it’s like sex offenders who can’t live within a certain radius of schools or daycare centers. this man should have a restraining order against anything with a hint of sugar.

now, i was in a rush to drop off a couple logs before the lumber mill closed, if you know what i mean. i had my espn articles in hand, my tie tucked in, and my pager on just in case someone was looking for me. but there was no way i would have ever used a stall next to this guy. there are a few rules that all men must follow, 1 being the aforementioned never peeing in the middle stall. another rule is never use a stall next to or after an egregiously fat dude. you’re asking for an extremely painful experience. most people use a toilet; fat people abuse a toilet. there’s an inherent difference there.

and this is not to say that fat people are worse than other people. it’s just stating a fact; fat people ingest more than most people and thus have more ammunition. of course they’re going to do more damage; they’ve got a bazooka while we’re armed with water pistols. for us, it’s a simple sit-down. for them, it’s an all-out war.

alright, that’s enough for one day, i think i’ve revealed way too much about myself. i hope my girlfriend still wants to go out with me.

*on a personal note, i apologize if i’ve offended anyone with big bones or who happens to be a bit overweight. i assure you i meant no harm and only made wildly generalized insensitive remarks in an attempt to be humorous. but really, these comments are only a joke. anyone who knows me knows not to take anything i say seriously. in addition, anyone who’s seen me eat or my burgeoning belly could apply the above message about toilet abuse to myself as well. so, again, i apologize.

chick flicks: embarrassing but so fulfilling.

i like a good chick flick. i’m not ashamed to admit it. if i have a choice between LOTR, Gladiator, or some other generic “male” movie over, say any Meg Ryan movie before she left her husband and began to look like an over the hill hooker, i’m going with my homegirl.

which is why i never understood why i didn’t like “50 First Dates”. it’s got all the ingredients for a sure-fire winner:

factor 1) comedy – check, provided by the always entertaining adam sandler and his faithful sidekick, rob schneider. (btw, has there ever been a less successful sidekick than schneider? david spade doesn’t count because he never really made movies on his own without farley. but think about it, schneider is gold whenever he’s a sidekick in sandler’s movies (YOU CAN DO IT!, the one-eyed hawaiian perv, crazy indian food delivery guy) but when he branches out on his own, his movies sound like bad porno films (The Animal, the Hot Chick, Deuce Bigalow European Gigalo). it’s pathetic. and sandler definitely knows this. rob probably calls him and he’s like

-hey adam, i’m gonna be unavailable for that role where i play the semi-retarded mascot who eats dirt b/c i’m filming this new movie
-oh yea? what’s it called?
-umm… deuce bigalow, european gigalo…
-oh… that sounds interesting. alright, well good luck…YO GUYS YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT ROB’S UP TO NOW
-ummm… adam? i’m still on the line.
-oh yea, ok, bye.

then rob calls back after his disaster grosses 25 bucks at the movies and asks sandler to cast him as some half-crazed barely capable of speaking English sidekick again! unbelievable. sandler owns schneider.

factor 2) the cute girl everyone falls in love with – check, provided by drew barrymore. now i’ve never been a barrymore fan. never saw ET (everyone who’s saying “OMG you never saw ET?” just shut up and relax alright. i’ve been on the ride at disneyworld. i get what happens. some alien shaped like an enormous turd comes to earth and makes friends and then flies home on a huffy. yeah. sure.), didn’t like charlie’s angels, and just don’t find her attractive. but the girl can pull off chick flicks, hell yea.

factor 3) the obligatory heart-wrenching scene – check, pulled off beautifully when barrymore’s character (Lucy) tells sandler (Henry) that she can’t see him anymore, that he needs to go on with his life b/c he can never have a normal one with her and then he tells her he only wants a life with her and then she tells him she’s going to erase him from her journal so it’ll be like she never remembers him….hold on… this is getting emotional… i need a minute… ok where was i?

factor 4) the obligatory cute children scene – check, provided by schneider’s legion of children. if you ignore the fact that in order to have said children, someone had to be naked around schneider’s character at some point, the kids are pretty darn cute. little asian kids running around, making fun of their dad after he gets bit by a shark. high comedy. and cute kids. people underestimate what cute kids can do for a movie. if normal people were making fun of their dad after a shark bit them, you’d be like “what is wrong with those people? they’re sick and deluded, they should be put to sleep” yada yada yada. with children it’s like “hahaha they’re so cute! of course your dad’s an idiot for getting bit by a shark! hahaha! so cute!”

for example, take “you’ve got mail”. clearly, this movie should have been a bust. by all rights, should have made NOTHING at the box office and been relegated to the $0.99 box full of DVDs at wal-mart. but it did well because of the cute kids in the movie! when the little boy says, “F-O-X!” SO FREAKIN CUTE! think about it, this was the exact same movie as Sleepless in Seattle except it was online! and it still did well! instead of wal-mart, it’s now a classic TNT rerun! that’s epic! it’s reached Pretty Woman status! (btw, i’ve never understood this phenomenon. why do people make the same exact movie over again? Braveheart meet The Patriot. Sleepless meet Mail. Jumanji meet... i don’t remember the name, but you know that movie that just came out that’s THE SAME EXACT THING as jumanji but it’s in space. so retarded. same thing with the patriot. oh look i’m in America now instead of Scotland. and i’m wearing a ponytail instead of a skirt. cool. but my wife’s still dead. not so cool. and there’s a revolution. i guess that’s cool. whatever, i’m mel gibson and i just made a billion dollars on a movie where everyone already knew the ending going in. awesome.)

damn i’m getting way off track. the point is, this movie (“50 First Dates” in case you can’t remember) should have been in the hall of fame in my book. but instead, i didn’t really like it. why? (to be honest, the fact that i actually devote mental energy to these kinds of thoughts should bother some people, i.e. my parents, my boss, anyone in the world, but whatever)

last night, i realized why. it’s because of the ending! it’s too bittersweet for me. i like the happy endings, the “oh look she’s cured from her mental illness by love awesome”. and this movie didn’t give it to me. it gave me a “realistic” ending to a story that had the elements of both love and sadness to it.

but i realized that’s what life usually is like, it’s not the flowery ending or the rainbow painted in the sky. it’s not exactly absolute pain and torture either but it’s a happy medium of both. and this ending represented that idea fairly well. and once i realized that, i started to like the movie more. so of course i had to watch it again.

and that’s why i was late to work today. because i overslept after watching "50 First Dates".

oh wait, this is my blog. i thought this was an email to my boss. sorry.

21 questions. not really. it's just harder coming up with relevant songs than i thought. o shut up.

i have said in the past that i would not make this blog about silly entries/surveys/emotional outbursts. but under increased demand to learn more about the man, the mystery that is "dunce", i've decided to complete a survey. also, because i was tagged by my gf's little sister who is rather ferocious when she puts her hands on her hips; really, it's quite intimidating.

Four jobs I've had in my life:
1. tutor
2. librarian
3. yogurt store clerk, server, guy, whatever you want to call me (for a while, my friends thought i was an ice cream truck driver)
4. investment banker (please note the logical trend in my ascension towards my goal of being the youngest professional retiree ever)

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. my sassy girl
2. the princess bride
3. anything in the frat pack family (zoolander, anchorman, wedding crashers, etc.)
4. you've got mail

i'm a man... really, i am.

Four places I have lived:
1. flushing, ny
2. dirty jersey (northvale and harrington park, or "da hood")
3. charlottesville, va (what i like to call "the dark ages")
4. 80 john street, new york, ny, i hate this place.

Four TV shows I love to watch (i don't watch tv so shows that i like to catch when i can):
1. that 70s show
2. monk
3. robot chicken
4. family guy

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Montreal
2. the Shore
3. London
4. Amsterdam

the funny thing is we did the SAME exact thing at EVERY single place... which is the SAME exact thing we do at home which is NOTHING

Four websites I visit daily:
1. www.bear.com (for all your investment banking needs)
2. www.espn.com (for all my bathroom reading needs)
3. www.salon.com (for further bathroom material on days after i've eaten too much meat. good day for me, not such a good day for the guy in the next stall. i'm sorry, truly, i am.)
4. itsmedunce.blogspot.com (b/c i'm narcissistic... leave me alone)

Four of my favorite foods:
1. korean meat of any kind
2. french fries
3. mashed potatoes
4. ice cream

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. in bed
2. in MD
3. in NJ
4. nowhere but here: bear stearns, my love, my life, my home

if you've read this far, congratulations. you are now more enlightened about my life. for this alone, you are better than the average human being. so i congratulate you; today, you are above meer mortals. pretty nice feeling, huh? this is what it feels like to be the dunce. well, this plus having your bowels in a state of constant flux. but i digress, i've got to go take a dump. where's my ESPN?