love is in the air.

what is it about the spring air that makes people want to get jiggy? even animals are not immune to cupid’s influence when the weather warms. walk by any local park and you’ll see dogs, squirrels, and various other types of asian delicacies engaging in public acts of indecency that would land any normal human being in jail. (on a side note, i’m sick of these double standards for animals. if a dog can pee anywhere, i should be able to too. i refuse to pay that fine and i will never apologize to those schoolchildren.)

without question, spring is the season of love. weddings, spring flings, the blooming of flowers, everything related to love seems to coincide with the year’s first emergence of warm weather. the sun is shining, the sky is blue with the only visible clouds being of the fluffy cotton candy variety, and love seems so easily accessible at this time. can anything go wrong in spring?

the answer is, “YES, you idiot.” lucky for you, here is my guide to “how not to act a fool this spring in your relationship or lack thereof.” if this were a movie, it would be starring kate hudson and johnny depp. kate hudson because she thrives in these types of movies and johnny depp because he resembles me most after brad pitt but i didn’t want to seem too conceited or anything. (it’s difficult managing good looks, brains, and a good heart all at once. sigh, my life is so hard.)

Rule #1: just because someone pays attention to you doesn’t mean he/she likes you.

i cannot emphasize this rule enough. at first, i thought this rule only applied to guys because growing up, i knew so many guys that thought just because a girl talked to them, she was in love with them. honestly, why would you think that? let’s consider the facts: you have no redeeming qualities whatsoever and she only talks to you when she wants answers to yesterday’s chemistry quiz. do you really think she likes you? in the eternal wisdom of napoleon dynamite, “GOSH, IDIOT!” guys in general have big heads that are easily inflatable with the minimum of motivation. a simple smile from a girl walking by can convince them that she thinks he’s hot. listen, fellas, half the time, she’s just being nice/friendly. the other half? she was smiling at the guy behind you. get over yourself and move on.

however, this dynamic also applies to the females as well. i will admit that most of the times, guys are nice to/pay attention to girls only when they are attracted to them or are considering pursuing them, so you can’t really blame girls for thinking a guy likes them. the only problem with this is, guys are ALWAYS attracted to girls and will ALWAYS consider pursuing a girl if she shows even the remotest interest. so relax, you’re not that special. he bought you some of your favorite chocolates? he had some left over after he dropped off the 1st bag at some other chick’s place. he calls you every night at 11 PM? he’s driving home after hanging out with some other broad and is bored. he texts you before your tests and says study hard? he wants to cheat off you on the exam. he told he he likes you and wants to go out with you? he used the same speech last night with your best friend. ladies, don’t be fooled by his wily ways. actually, the word ‘wily’ belies some sort of cleverness or intent. while some guys are definitely like this, most guys are just stupid. the sooner you learn this, the better off you’ll be.

Rule #2: nobody wants to hear about the latest cutest thing your schnookums did.

first of all, there is a reason these monikers are called “pet names”: they are reserved for domesticated animals bred solely for your twisted pleasure only to die a couple of years later. don’t refer to your partner with embarrassing nicknames usually bestowed upon the family dog, especially in public. nobody needs to hear that your little “sugar bear” is the “bestest, westest, sweetest, tweetest” boyfriend in the whole wide world. in fact, i’m pretty sure that sugar bear doesn’t need to hear it either. sugar bear probably imagines himself taking a bath with a toaster everytime you mention how “cutesy wootsie” sugar bear looks when he chews his food. in fact, i’m ready to join sugar bear in his electric bath just from typing sugar bear so many freakin times. somebody shoot me. anyway, this leads straight to…

Rule #3: what you think is cute, nobody else does. NOBODY!

this speaks for itself and relates to the above note. keep your personal stories to yourself. seriously. i could be really mean and say this applies to all newborn baby/children stories as well but i won’t be that mean. at least not today.

also, it may appear that Rules #2 and 3 are directed towards the female audience. well that’s because females are the largest offenders of these 2 rules. if a male commits these egregious sins, he will most likely find himself (a) friendless (b) castrated (c) crying everytime “Beaches” or “The Notebook” comes on basic cable or d) all of the above.


ok well, that’s it for now. these are all the rules i could think of without offending the general public, which i probably did anyway, and this should be enough to avoid looking like the complete idiot you are. at least for a little while. but until then, stay classy. and thanks for stopping by. but mostly stay classy. thanks for stopping by.