i don't need no one to tell me bout heaven.

today as i was getting off the subway, i saw a dead bumble bee on the steps. it was in pristine condition, just lying there in a slightly fetal position. during my brief 2 second autopsy, i concluded that said bumble bee had expired due to natural causes, perhaps a heart attack, perhaps through years of gorging himself on high cholesterol flowers and smoking too much pollen when he was a younger and more foolish bumble bee. perhaps old age simply caught up to him as he zigged and zagged his way through the subway, trying to find his way home, just like the other few million people who ride the subway every day.

i had an english teacher in middle school who looked 50 when he was probably 40. he was also a DJ who ran our middle school parties (imagine a balding, goggled slightly overweight middle-aged man running back and forth between 2 walls of a gym screaming PEPSI COLA as backstreet boys blared in the background and boys and girls who had spent hours getting their hair and outfit just right refused to acknowledge each other from their respective sides of the gym. ah junior high. is there a more confusing time in life than when your voice fluctuates like an accordion, your face begins to resemble a pepperoni pizza, and girls tower over you?) he had a couple kids younger than me and lived right around the corner too. but i remember one day, all of a sudden, he had this shiny red convertible sitting in his driveway. people whispered that he had just turned 45 and that’s when i learned what a mid-life crisis was. (i’m pretty sure it was really his daughter’s car but it helps the story. shut up.)

at one point in all of our lives, we, too will encounter this strange mix of emotion and thought that inspires us to chase younger partners, purchase faster vehicles, or perhaps even totally change careers/friends/family. we will all face the eternally echoing question regarding life’s purpose. to what end are we here? what is the meaning of life? who what how when where but most importantly, why?

my boy dk, had an interesting excerpt from some weird hippie book he’s reading that talks about life and it’s purpose (hehe just kidding i love you, dk… but yea, you’re a hippie). i’ve cut and pasted it here.

In this constant battle which we call living, we try to set a code of conduct according to the society in which we are brought up, whether it be a Communist society or a so-called free society; we accept a standard of behaviour as part of our tradition as Hindus or Muslims or Christians or whatever we happen to be. We look to someone to tell us what is right or wrong behaviour, what is right or wrong thought, and in following this pattern our conduct and our thinking become mechanical, our responses automatic. We can observe this very easily in ourselves.

For centuries we have been spoon-fed by our teachers, by our authorities, by our books, our saints. We say, 'Tell me all about it - what lies beyond the hills and the mountains and the earth?' and we are satisfied with their descriptions, which means that we live on words and our life is shallow and empty. We are secondhand people. We have lived on what we have been told, either guided by our inclinations, our tendencies, or compelled to accept by circumstances and environment. We are the result of all kinds of influences and there is nothing new in us, nothing that we have discovered for ourselves; nothing original, pristine, clear.

Throughout theological history we have been assured by religious leaders that if we perform certain rituals, repeat certain prayers or mantras, conform to certain patterns, suppress our desires, control our thoughts, sublimate our passions, limit our appetites and refrain from sexual indulgence, we shall, after sufficient torture of the mind and body, find something beyond this little life. And that is what millions of so-called religious people have done through the ages, either in isolation, going off into the desert or into the mountains or a cave or wandering from village to village with a begging bowl, or, in a group, joining a monastery, forcing their minds to conform to an established pattern. But a tortured mind, a broken mind, a mind which wants to escape from all turmoil, which has denied the outer world and been made dull through discipline and conformity - such a mind, however long it seeks, will find only according to its own distortion.

-jiddu krishnamurti, freedom from the known

i found this excerpt striking because it’s something that hits close to me. but one thing i disagreed with is how easily the writer seemingly brushes aside all previous teachings, lessons, and insights that have been developed and cultivated throughout centuries of human thought. is that possible? and a mind “made dull through discipline and conformity” can only find “according to its own distortion”. is this true?

the truth is everyone needs some kind of guidance, everyone needs something to inspire them. it can be a teacher, a pastor, a friend, a book, or even the sun setting over the horizon, a ball of fire composed of colors no artist in his most inspired moment could ever conceive yet nature so easily blends on a daily basis. how do we ignore such strong teachings? how do we find meaning without such inspirational voices?

it is true that you can never and should never derive your own life’s meaning through someone else. nobody should tell you how to think, how to act, what to believe, what to say; anyone that does this is a fool and need not bother contributing to the gene pool. but at the same time, to think that you and you alone know the meaning of life, that you and you alone are the only one who can figure out what life is about is not only conceited but a bit dangerous as well.

there is another ancient philosopher who is one my favorite people ever. he once stated that everything was meaningless; there is nothing new under the sun. all your poetry, all your art, all your accomplishments, all your wealth, all your women, all your careers, all your achievements, everything has been done before. this man knew because he had tried all these things. he had lived lives of excess, of self-denial, of seeking, of perfection, of hedonism, searched for meaning in his own way through countless different methods. and all these fruitless exercises led him to the same conclusion; everything is meaningless and there is nothing new under the sun.

i agree with him. you may not. but that is the point. you must find out for yourself if what he says is true. if what he says influences you to agree with him, fine. if what he says sways you to disagree, fine. but the point is, by hearing what he said, this has to have some prevalence in your life.

whether you are one of the “millions of so-called religious” or not (actually, especially if you are one of these), you must seek to find the answers to your heart’s questions. while i agree with krishnamurti that you cannot simply conform and do as others do, you cannot simply disregard all previous teachings as well. because in the end, life simply cannot be just this. life cannot be just this daily going forward and maintaining social norms. if so, what makes us so different from animals? human beings are unique creatures on this planet in that we are the only ones who fathom what lies beyond this world, beyond the years we have alive. the question then becomes, not what is the meaning of life, but rather, what is the meaning of after-life? to this end, we must all seek some meaning. whether or not we all arrive at the same destination is a totally separate matter. but we must all seek.