i'm bringing sexy back. YEA!

when i first heard this song, my first thought was “wow…i never thought i’d hear the sound of dying animals on the radio.” what exactly does our young squire, justin timberlake (“JT”), mean when he claims that he’s bringing sexy back? first of all, where did it go? and why’s it coming back? did you have to go find it or did someone give it to you? how do we know that this is really sexy? we can’t just take your word that dancing like that is sexy. in fact, when i try to do it, the normal reaction isn’t arousal but laughter. so what the hell, justin, what exactly am i supposed to do with all this sexy? i can’t use this crap. and who made you the messenger anyway? when i think sexy, let me tell you, my first thought is not of justin timberlake giving me the sexy eyes while leaning up against a brick wall in the rain, clad only in sweet gentle denim that he is slowly peeling off while whispering sweet nothings at me. no no no, my first thought is of brad pitt but that’s a story for another day.

all kidding aside, this song is awful. but i’m not here to complain about it, that would be highly outside of my character. i almost never complain except when i’m not happy which is roughly 98% of my waking existence. in fact, i once claimed an allergy to happiness and joy and i’m not sure but i think people may have believed me. jeez, i hate people, they’re so annoying, they always want to… oh yeah, no complaining.

anyway, the real song i want to discuss today is JT’s “what goes around” which is a conversation JT is having with a non-responsive female regarding her former cheating ways while she was with him and how she is now receiving the same treatment from her new beau. hmmm…whoever could he be talking about?

the JT/britney break-up was a rough patch for the mickey mouse club. never has a couple affiliated with disney experienced such emotional turnover since the Sultan of Agrabah tried to force Princess Jasmine to marry Jafar. their highly publicized falling out was the result of a rumored cheating incident involving the bubbly blonde and her personal trainer (how do i know these details? don’t ask questions you don’t really want answers to). JT then proceeded to highlight said cheating in a song on his first album entitled “cry me a river”. the music video for this song featured our hero hooking up with some random chick on an anonymous blonde girl’s bed while videotaping, leaving the evidence behind for the blonde in order to pay her back for her own cheating episode. damn. getting caught is bad enough. but getting caught and then having the whole world know? damn. say what you will about the curly-haired pretty boy but you gotta admit he is one cold-hearted pansy.

but let’s not forget that he is still very much a pansy. it’s been years since she cheated on you, bro. you’ve moved on. you’re an extremely wealthy, highly-recognized pop star who is dating arguably one of the world’s most attractive actresses who has no qualms about male bodily fluids (see “something about mary”). what exactly is the problem? “oh no she cheated on me boo hoo, my life is so hard.” yeah, i can see how your life went straight downhill from there.

if anything, JT, you should be thanking britney instead of whining about her. have you seen her recently? it’s like she’s in the witness protection program and ordered the trailer park trash do-it-yourself kit on ebay and messed up while applying it. she’s starting to make christina aguilera look classy. and remember aguilera has done multiple collaborations with lil kim, a woman who is constantly referencing her female member and oral sex. i need to throw up.

JT, count yourself lucky that you and the walking makeup counter accident parted ways when you did. your careers went in totally opposite directions. think about it; had you guys stick together, instead of smash hits like “sexyback”, “cry me a river” or “like i love you,” you’d be yelling papa zao. seriously. shut up.